be passionate.

I’m graduating.

There, I’ve finally acknowledged it. The ‘G’ word I had been avoiding since last year. Today it finally hit me, how much I’ve grown and although its taken me a while to admit it… how much I’ve learned.

And so the questions still hover over my head, “What do you want to do?”, “What are you going to be?”, “What do you love most?”, and “What’s next?”. 

It’s funny how my life turned out so far. It’s felt like this one way track where the train knew exactly where it was stopping. One thing always led me to another, call it fate or a mere coincidence.

When I was 4 I started taking dance classes. I danced for 14 years. I loved the stage, I loved the feeling. The stage I had my recitals on turned out to be the Mainstage at UB, where I went to college…and my first lighting design at UB was choreographed by a dance teacher I had for 5 years…fate?

When I was little my favorite movies were The Sound of Music and Grease. I watched them every chance I got (5-6 times a week). In high school I acted in all of the schools plays and musicals. My senior year we did The Sound of Music, where I played the goofy Sister Sophia. My senior year of college we did Grease and I was the costume designer… coincidence?

When I was in high school I thought I was going to go to college to be an actress. I loved the feeling of community that theatre built, and I fell in love. On the other hand in high school I also took CAD and architecture classes. And I was really good at them. My teacher Mr. Connor asked me in my senior year what I was going to go to college for and I told him theatre to be an actor. It was then my eyes were first opened to the world of Theatre Design. The best of both worlds… who knew?

When I presented my work as a props master at KCACTF I was not confident whatsoever. I wasn’t even going to present my work because I believed everyone else was better than me, and that my work was unmemorable and amateur. I was awakened when I surprisingly won both props awards…

In my junior year of college I heard USITT was going to be in California the following year and I joked with myself that I was going to be able to come up with the funds to go. When I won the props award for the project I wasn’t going to present, I won a all expense paid trip to USITT in CA.

My life has been one joke after the other. Each domino has fallen into another domino that is taking me to where I need to go. But now the dominoes are getting fewer and fewer and I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know what will be next. I can guess, but this time I’m uncertain. A feeling I have yet to feel regarding my future.  I know where I’ll be this summer (Bristol Valley Theatre as Props Master, another domino that fell into its place), but after that I can’t tell you. Because I don’t know.

I’m back to the question, “What do you want to do?”

Do I go with Props? Something I happen to be good at. Something I enjoy doing but is stereotypically not significant?

Do I go with Costumes? Something that makes me work for it? Something that requires me to practice drawing more?

Do I go with Sets? Something I have yet to actualize? Something that is completely out of my comfort zone? But something I wanted from the start of college? Something that would put my CAD and drafting knowledge to a good use?

Do I go with Directing? Something that gives me the power and recognition?

Four years of college. Four years of trying to figure out what I want to do. Trying to figure out what I would be happy with doing the rest of my life.

So here it is, this is what I want, these are my dreams. I forced myself to sit down and say them out loud (or in a blog entry…).

Dream List (ranked in order of most desired):

Number 1 : Production Designer on a Film- total conceptualization, total artistry, my design and my vision put onto screen. 

Number 2: Set Dresser for Film. - I want to be the one who decides what kind of toothpaste is in the cabinet above the sink.

Number 3: Costume Designer for Film- I want to determine the dress that Rose wears when the Titanic goes down. I want to design the look of Cap. Jack Sparrow when he’s on his ship. I want to design the bloody rags that Amanda wears in Saw… (You get the point)

Number 4: Costume Designer for TV - I want to decide what they wear out of their closet that day.

Number 5: Set Designer for Off Broadway- I want to design worlds.

Number 6: Costume Designer for Broadway/Off Broadway- Self-explanatory.

I spent 46 Minutes trying to come up with this list. It was harder than you may think. There’s one thing this list tells me for sure-I want to be a Designer. I want my vision. I want to be a Set and Costume Designer and if I have to choose between the two, well… that would be a whole other blog entry. 

These past four years have been the best of my life thus far. I’ve learned so much about myself and have gained confidence in the power of my imagination. I have met the people that I want in my life 20 years from now and I have met the people I never want to see again; however, when all is said and done, thank you all for every experience and every challenge. You have made me a better than before.

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